So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
