The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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