I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
