life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
They took my balls.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
