i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
