He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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