I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
