Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
