"it" just moved
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
