you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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