State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
