Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
