I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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