he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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