a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
