dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
