It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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