U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
