Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
