Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
