I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
