remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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