Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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