pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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