so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
there's paper in my vomit.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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