Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
