Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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