I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
