You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
