I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
