sarcasm needs its own font
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
