I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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