I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Randomize
