No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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