I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just forgot I was standing up.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
