farters have to be the big spoon...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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