I puked a lego.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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