Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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