I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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