According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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