Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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