If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
