dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize