Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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