omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
