made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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