apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
