you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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