She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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