you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
