Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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