Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
