are you so shy because you have an std?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
