No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
