That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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