great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
