Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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