If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
